Balance

Balance. Something I have been trying to find for a good while now. I took a job with Banana Republic thinking the stability of the job would bring balance. Just the opposite. I NEVER have anything close to a dependable schedule, it changes every week. I feel so torn at work too; there is no continuity in management, everyone has favorites and it shows- the associates complain about it and the only thing I can do is try to bring some balance.
My house is always in various states of decay. Sigh....I have never been good at putting things away and I am finding it really hard for me to pick up after Matt and I at the same time. I make excuses as to why things aren't working with it, I'm tired, back hurts, it can wait....well I'm about stick and tired of clutter and mess and I just want my floors clean on a regular basis so I stop feeling stressed just by coming home.
I don't see friends nearly enough, this is part of just becoming an adult it seems...blows. 
The most pressing situation currently is my body. It is NOT balanced. I had to change birth controls earlier in the year and for the first time in 10 years of being on this medication I gained copious amounts of weight. In 6 months I have gained 2 cup sizes on my bra and 20 lbs. All of this can't be contributed to birth control though, the truth is I stopped keeping things in check- I lost balance. At first I actually liked my larger curves, Matt likes my body, which is probably one of the only things keeping me sane.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I noticed I was making a conscious effort to avoid all mirrors. I told myself it was okay because flowy clothing was in style and I convinced myself it wasn't my fault. My self confidence has shrank to almost nothing over the past month and then came Christmas. The day after I had to pack for our trip to New Orleans, sooooo excited. Until I realized- nothing fits. Nothing at all. I sat and cried for hours because I had so looked forward to our trip, imagined the pictures of us together, all the skirts I could wear with the warmer weather and none of it worked.
I have these giant boobs that my husband loves and they don't fit in anything. When they do I look like I could feed a village of children. Matt likes my hips but they prevent me from wearing 90% of my pants. My heart has rapid palpitations and I can't even run mile now. This Will NOT Do. I'm tired of avoiding how I look, and even more pressing- we can't afford a new wardrobe for me. Not to mention I know I am causing health problems being this way. Why do I say all this? Because I am rather depressed and I am tired of avoiding mirrors. I used to believe I was beautiful and now I see lazy. And, it's true.
I come home from work and say it's okay that I sit on the couch becasue work is just "so hard"- I am wallowing in self pity using everything as an excuse for another till I have become this person I don't know. Someone without drive, a dirty house, a job I dislike, a body I dislike and me being horridly unfair to my husband by making him wallow around with me. So, there you go- it's intensely embarrassing for me to say all this- which is why I am. I am motivated when I am embarrassed. So here's to hoping I can find some balance in this new year, starting with my body, hoping it will lead to a better, balanced, Stacie.